THIS IS TO CERTIFY
That on Sunday, January 31, 2010
THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART (heretofore referred to as ABBIE) did ask for, and did receive
* A copious quantity of leftover brisket
* New water in his water dish
* Attention

Should, in the future, the PARTY OF THE FIRST PART (we mean ABBIE) make the following claims

1. That he has never been fed
2. That he has never had new water in his bowl
3. That he has never had brisket before in his life
4. That nobody likes him, everybody hates him, guess he'll go eat worms
5. (the list is not limited to the four above, any whine will do)

LET IT BE KNOWN TO ALL AND SUNDRY
That these complaints are VICIOUS VICIOUS LIES

So noted and recorded this First of February, 2010

Signed: _____x______ (ME ABBie)
Witnessed and Countersigned: ____y_____ (the guy)

Additional notes from the PARTY OF THE FIRST PART: THEy told me that If I wanted ANY piece of the Briskte I would have to SIgn this first so it is COmpletely Under Duress and should not be LEgal one bit oh wait did I mention I was supposed to get Briskte with this well I NEVER GOT IT so can I have some of yours huh
- posted by Abbie @ 12:03 AM 2 comments

 
when I am sitting int he PUrple seat
which is mine by the way
it has my hair on it
just so you dont sit there

when I sit in the pUrple seat
I am the archduk of everywheria
and from here I sit
watching my subjects Go by
to and fro
paying tribute
it is Nice to watch
and gives us something to do before the daily Feast in my honor

when I sit on the table
in the middle of the plants
and watch the squirels
I am the interpid Explorer cornel Humphries
and I am on the trail of the biggest game prize yet
if I get lost it is okay
I will eventually meet the doctor i presume
or was it the other way around

when I sit on the couch
i am just a cat
some days that's pretty much as good as it gets
- posted by Abbie @ 4:45 PM 6 comments

 
THis being THanksgiving and all I know that i amsure thankful for a lot of thigns
first you know the man they call troublemaker sam
well he helped me out with my Hair Styilng
oha nd that girl she helped out too
and now i am SLeeker than ever and you cannot ever say oh hey there goes abbie the walking throw rug

all is good for now it is colder and I shall be growing a new rug as They say

so I thought I should tkae the time and tell you all about Thanks giving because it is a very good time aorund here when it happens

it all goes back to a very long time ago ah wen there these cats they called pilgrims
they were Making a Pilgrimation from the land across the ocean to over here, which is across the ocean from oer there

I looked it up on GOggle maps it is all true

and they Settled down and called the place NEw England so that nobody would confuse it with Regular England

and things were going okay for a while
they were doing pretty good for themselves
but then when winter came oh brother was It a nightmare
dont ever do that if you have a chance by the wya
if someone comes up to you and says Hey buddy wanna go to the New World and spend a winter there
say No thank you I shall wait until after you have your Revolution

so undersatndably when the time came for the next winter to roll around these cats were Pretty worried
but then they got to tlaking with the Cats who had ALready Been Living there
these cats by the way
i gotta say
they get the Short end of the stick by the end of it all
I mean really unfair
It's like when they put you in a SMall room and say
oh Sorry Abbie but we have to use the dining room right now
this fine sushi dinner just Isnt for the lieks of YOU

now take that
and make it like a Million times even MOre unfair
thats those cats
I mean
unliike Yours Truley
they werent even doing anything Wrong

but back in the Piligrims days these cats were doing pretty good for themselves
they had COrn
and it was called Maize
but you could say corn if you wanted to
and they said hey New Cats on the block
here's maize which we think you will really like
and when you Grow it then you can make all kinds of food
and grow some more

Needles to say this made the pilgirms very happy
as well as my ancestor Restaurant joe

remember Restauarnt joe
theres a song about restauarnt joe

anyway in those days he was known as Elder Restaurant JOseph
I looked it up
but I am going to still just call him Rest Joe from now on becaus the last time I told you about him I got REAlly SIck and tired of writing it aLL THE TIME

so Rest Joe he was part of the Pilgrimings and he piped up and he said well you know I have been wanting to make some fine food for everybodyt for a long time now only we have been running low on every ingredient

but I bet that if we took what we got and shared it what with the Cats over there
and use their maize corn too
we can have our selves a feastt that cant be beat

and thats just what they did, everybody got together and I guess they used a big kitchen
and Rest Joe made all his favrite Specialties
when you asked him if something was on the menu he said it is now
and the other cats they stopped by and made their own stuff and stuffing
it was pretty wild
I bet they even had turnips
Because they had a song about the meal
and it went you can get anything you want at restaurant joe's restaurant
Except for the restaurant

afterwards when they were all full everybdoy took a nap
but not before rest joe tapped his fork to his mug and said
okay I want to thank everybody who came out and did their thing
and helped put a lot of food on the table
and I want to thank the other cats because they saw we Were in a FIx
and there's a lot of other things to thank
and I Bet you have a few in your life too
so think about that for a bit
and then you can take a Nap because I know I will

and they slept for quit ea while and then they got up and ran around batting small rocks in to the goals
all in all not bad a holiday for a first try

anyway I Am awriting all this cause I got my own turkey dinner tonight
WIth all the trimmings Thankyou very Much
and that's a lot to be thankful for

now I am oging to take a nap
the batting of the small rocks shall commence at oh 3:30 this A M
- posted by Abbie @ 6:38 PM 12 comments

 
the Sqiurells are here again and boy are they ROwdy
I dont suppose you know that squirels are very lively
yes sometimes they are very entertaing and other times quite annoying

when I Am bored it is time to watch the squirels eating
and so they put a little bowl on the porch
and inside the BOwl they put stuff that squrirels like to eat
like stuff I wont eat
and then the squirrels come and its a squirrel party for sure
then the food is gone and they go away
be with us next time for more of the squirrel show

but last night they got very carried away
I woudl not be surprised if they had gotten into some bad acorns
for they were very bad nuts
what are you doing I say you are partying too hard
no we are not says the squirrel we are having fun and whats wrong with that bud
if this screen werent here says I you would all not be having a party right now

come on fellas said the squirrel this aint no place for the likes of us
in fact all i sees here is one big square
and thats when the squirels broke the bowl
they tore up the little green bowl
and off they ran with little green pieces of plastic

hah
if thereis no bowl then where do you put the food


something tels me these squirels just partied themselves out of free meals
and the squirrel show has been cancelled
fame as They say is Fleeting
- posted by Abbie @ 8:10 PM 10 comments

 
it IS sprting cleaning
I got springed
and cleaned

it was fun to play in the water
he put me in a tub that is
it is a blig blue tub
that is MY TUB
well I dont see anyone else using it

ANd now I look poisitively svelte
whatkind of word is svelte
it looks wrong
you just mash keys on thekeyboard thats how you get that word
I could do it with my eyes closd
svlet
how did I Do

by the By
whats lavedner and why do theys ay I smell like it
I smell like me but without the dust fromunder the bed
time to goet more dust
- posted by Abbie @ 10:52 PM 12 comments

 
I took a poll recently
whiche was best
breakfast
lunch
dinner
(or supper if you say that)

I knew the poll would not pick lunch to win
it is not that we do not give this meal respect
it is ujust that lunch is not very INspiring when it comes to eating
there is your sandwich
eat it
if you don't then I will eat it
but look
I am not enjoying it as much as I cCOuld be

breakfast on the other hand is great
it is the greateast of all possible meals
now dont you think that it is only for the morning
you can have breafkfast after you have woken up
at any time of day
if it was only for the morning then we awoudl call it MOrning somehting
I dont know what we could call it
since we dont call it that

but you are breaking
and you are dOing it fast
so that is the meal name

the best part of breakfast is the bacon
people who eat becon like it
around here there is a rule you see
oh this bacon was cooked too crispy someone says
i will instead give it to the cat cmere cat
as a resulte I have become quite fond of crsipy bacon
the crispyer the better
now ehere is a secret you will not be Told by anyone else
baconc gets crispy if you cook it for long
so I watned to make sure the bacon would be perfect for the cat
so when it was cooking
there were diversions
oh cat theys aid
get down from there
abbie stop doing that you are going carazy and it isnt even crazy time
abbie quit singing youll have some bacon soon enough

now this is my crowning achievement
look at that
the bacon has been cooked too long and now all of it is cripsy
what do we do
give it to the cat says I
that is the rules

oh well someone says
we can crumble it up and putit in the omelets
waste not want what not

WHAT



here is a happy Endign
we better be sure to save a piece for the cat they say
so there was bacon in the omelets
and bacon in the cat
and that is my story for ytoday

for recirpes please go to a recipe site
there you will leran how to cook bacons
- posted by Abbie @ 2:01 PM 12 comments

 
ONCe upon time there was a bvery smar tman
he didnt live here
and he said the folowing about dinner

he said
some people have meat but they canot eat it
I am guesing he meant vegerterins here
I knew one and she was very kind to me
mostly because I never pestered her for food
much

someetimes tofu can be good to eat

he also said
some peoplw oudl eat food if only they had it
that sounds like me to a T
where is food
there is a cat
the food isnt there for much longer

then he said
but We have meat and we can also eat it

this is the best of both worlds

and he agreed because then he said
and we should be very vthankful for it

I Was tjust thinking abotu this earlier when I had my supper
it is all very true
if you have your food and can eat it
like you have teeth
then be thankful and say it a lot

there is cooking in the kitchen
I amgoing to find more reasons to be thankful
- posted by Abbie @ 4:00 PM 3 comments

 
NOw that there is a moment I can tell you about a handy hint for watching TV
everybody loves to watch telvision
but sometimes when you are wathcing and you really like it
SOmeone changes the channel
but wait I was watcing that and it was JUst getting interesting

so the next time that happens to you here is what you do
I mean you have to do this Before it happens to you
outherwise it just doesnt quite work

SO there you are on the couch (ps you are a cat)
and you are watching television happily
and then the announcer comes on and says next up we will show you how bottlecaps are made
and you think Well this will be very intriguing
I have always wanted to know this
but then someone on the couch says "time to change the cahnnel"
NO IT IS NOT
here is what you do

you go to sleep
right on their lap or on their legs or howveer they are sitting
SLEEP ON THEM
and be sure to look extra comfortable and happy
EVen if it is not quite the most comfortable place ever
one time I fell asleep on a shoe
I do not recomend it unless you like shoes
anyway now you are happy and alseep
and they will say wait I cant get up to change the channel because the cat is so happy and peaceful I do not want to disturb it
wait I will use the remote
oh
IU forgot to mention
before you do allthis
be sure to hide the remote

well now
if you have done everything then you can enjoy what you want to watch
just kind of move your head towars the television set
and watch through your eyes
dont forget you have to pretend you are still asleep
but if you have come this far then that is easy as pie

there is something SMall on the table
I am going to go knock it off
bye
- posted by Abbie @ 11:48 PM 4 comments

 
I was at home
I was napping upstairs and the guy was napping so there was a nap
then I got up and said Im hungry and went downstairs

downstairs theother guy was doing something in the living room
he is what you would calla Troubleamaker
he somestimes says hello abbie you are a cat
and I say yes and hes ays oh good just reminding you of your place in the world
gee thanks for that reminder

he ahs also puled stunts like this
hello abbie he says come over here
okay says I this is fun
then he says I am going to put water onyour head
contrararty to what other cats think, I dont mind water all that muhc
in the summertime theres nothing better to keep you cool
if you have long hair and you dont want to shave it all off
because then you woould look like a FOol
the girl was tehre too, she was fully involved in this i want the record to show
then he ocmbs me when my hair si well and duly wet
and says there, Now you have a mohawk
I am not as thirlled as all that with these turns of events
then the guy comesdown stairs and says hey who gave the cat a wethead
dont look at me, try those poeple over there who cant stop giggling
meanwhile I am goign to go over and search the trashcans to find my dignity
it might be hinidg in there
and food

so there he was troublemaker sam (taht is not his real name)
and he had a camera looking out the window
at squirrels
there is a window out there
and on the other side is a bowl
and in the bowl you put in things you think squirels would like to eat
and then they come by and you Obnserve them
it is very convenient you see

looka t that i say he is making the squirrel show, everybody watch thesquirel show
i cant see the squirrel
move the camera
I Want to see the squirrel

eventualy I decided that the squirrel show has been cacenceld, it had bad ratings, because only one camera was wathching it and no cats were
so I stepped in to help and the squirrel show becames the ABbie show
starring ABbie
heres the theme
it's the abbbie show, the abbie show
everybody wants to watch the abbie show
(the Insturments go crazy here with lots of music)
there'll be ME abbie here and maybe I will do stuff
or just eat and fall asleep
only on the ab
bie
shoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow

todays episode of the abbie show is Abbie watches squirels
it is called THe ONe where Abbie watches the squirrels
and you can see it here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEcpIwf2-mY

critics have called the makers of the abbie SHow to task for putting telvevision personaility over storylines
and they say the abbie hsow is very little on plot
pah i say in response this is an atmospheric show if you want a story go over and watch the story show
here on this show things are simple
there are squirrels
ME abbie watches squirrels
then I go do something else
thats a good enough story for me today
- posted by Abbie @ 10:15 AM 13 comments

 
well ther ewas GReat excitement yesterday
I had wona amajor award or something
they said Hey abbie you are officialy the Sassiest cat of the year
in this house at least
and therefor you will get a nice Helping of tuna fish right here inyour bowl

hurray says I for it is always a good day when that happens
and whatdyou know but there was asome fish in my bowl
I ate it very quickly
it is a rule you know
eat as fast as ye can the rule says
for all you know it could turn out to be an illusion
LIke in the desert

so ten seconds later the tuna was gone
well not rteally gone
I knew where it was

and everything was Fine

but there is another rule that I forgot
it says But Dont eat so FAST or else Urp
and thats what happened
Urp
there was no more tuna in the bowl
but there was tuna on the floor

I looked at it
and i Looked around
nobody had seen it happen
so I had a little CHeck
it was tasty the first time
and it was tasty the second time
so lets dig in

Well you never heard such a hue and cry in your life
hey Abbie what are you doing
oh for gods sake cat
someone disttract him while I get the paper towels
use the shiny thing

anywya they took away my Major award
and I a m rightly miffed
they gave it to tme
it was MIne
and I should be able to Do with it as I please
- posted by Abbie @ 7:13 AM 7 comments